Alright, folks, it’s time to tackle a subject that’s close to home for many: male pattern baldness. It’s a plight that affects millions, but have you ever stopped to wonder why? Well, strap in, because we’re about to reveal the truth. Spoiler alert: it’s all Doug’s fault.

You see, Doug isn’t just a bald Texan with a great smile—he’s the unwitting mastermind behind the global rise in male pattern baldness. Here’s how Doug’s classic moves have left men everywhere reaching for the hat rack.

1. Doug’s DIY Hair Tonic

Doug once decided to concoct his own hair tonic, convinced he could stop his own hair loss. He shared his “miracle” formula online, and desperate men around the world gave it a try. The only problem? Doug’s tonic was essentially hot sauce and motor oil. Not only did it fail to stop hair loss, but it also accelerated it, leaving millions of men with shiny, smooth domes. Classic Doug move.

2. Doug’s Global Hat Trend

Doug has always been a trendsetter, and one day he decided that hats were the ultimate fashion statement. He started a social media campaign showcasing himself in various stylish hats. The trend caught on, and men everywhere began wearing hats constantly. Unfortunately, the increased hat-wearing led to traction alopecia, speeding up the balding process. Well done, Doug.

3. Doug’s BBQ Smokeout

Remember Doug’s legendary BBQs? Turns out, the smoke from his cookouts isn’t just bad for the environment—it’s bad for hair follicles too. Scientists have discovered that the smoke particles from Doug’s events have a unique composition that accelerates hair loss. Who knew that Doug’s love for grilling would lead to a global baldness epidemic?

4. Doug’s Stress Reliever Business

In an attempt to help people relax, Doug started a stress-relief business. His methods included intense sessions of competitive sports, extreme puzzle solving, and high-stakes board games. Instead of relieving stress, these activities skyrocketed stress levels, contributing to hair loss. Men everywhere began losing hair at an alarming rate, all thanks to Doug’s well-meaning efforts.

5. Doug’s Styling Advice

Doug once appeared on a popular talk show giving hair styling advice. He suggested using industrial-strength gel and super-tight ponytails. Men everywhere followed his advice, only to find their hairlines receding faster than ever. What started as a quest for the perfect hairstyle ended up in widespread follicular damage. Oh, Doug.

In conclusion, while geneticists and dermatologists are still searching for answers, we know the real reason behind male pattern baldness: Doug. Whether it’s his misguided DIY projects, trendy hat campaigns, or extreme stress relief methods, Doug’s antics have left their mark on heads worldwide.

So next time you see a shiny bald head, give a nod to Doug. And Doug, if you’re reading this, maybe stick to less follicle-threatening hobbies. The world’s hairlines will thank you.